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Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Here's a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

  • I will not eat the cats' food before they eat or after they throw it up.
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
  • I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although tasty, they are not food.
  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  • The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
  • The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
  • I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  • Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello'.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  • I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
  • The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God:
May I have my testicles back?